When Tragedy Takes the Form of a Mexican Referee

For those unaware, Canada’s national soccer team had its exciting run through the Gold Cup cut painfully short as a tying goal scored in the last seconds of extra time in their semi-final game against the U.S. was amazingly disallowed by an old nemesis…

Predictably, all you could get out of him was a "Señor I no habla inglés!"

Atiba Hutchinson’s would-be 94^th minute marker was, with shocking disregard for the rules of the game, wiped out by Benito Archundia, resulting in a 2-1 home-field win for the U.S. If his name sounds vaguely familiar, he’s the same referee that gave Canada the business during the most recent World Cup qualifying bid when he single-handedly donated a couple of goal-related calls to Honduras resulting in our elimination. But that was a Canadian side that seemed doomed from the start, underachieving early and struggling mightily to put ball in the net.

And that is what makes this year’s Mexican stand-off such a travesty: the Gold Cup squad has been nothing short of brilliant at times, playing a ball-control style heavily reliant on a newer breed of player donning the red and white. The aforementioned Hutchinson and the spiritual centre of the team, Julian De Guzman have combined in the middle of the field to give the national team the sort of foundation that could allow them to play more than competitively with the big boys of the CONCACAF region, as witnessed by last night’s match with the FIFA-desired juggernaut. Even a revitalized Dwayne De Rosario leading the up-front charges with Ali Gerba and young Ian Hume give Canada potentially something they haven’t had in its history: depth at the attacking positions.

Is he jersey purchase worthy?...Mr. C sez 'SI'! Hey, with a little activator and some shades, we could have the second coming of Eazy-E

Although the Americans imposition of their athleticism seemed to bother certain players more than others (not not looking at you Paul Stalteri), the Canadians clearly deserved better and had drawn several poor tackles out of a stretched American defense, eventually cumulating in a somewhat questionable red-carding late in the game. (I would be remiss to not mention the general over-rated nature of U.S. golden boy Landon Donovan – any dependence upon him will be one reason this American team will struggle to attain world class stature). Which, again, emphasizes the pain of being deprived of what was right and good: Canada would have been up one player in the extra time and, at the very least, had a chance to eliminate the U.S. in penalties.

It would be an understatement to say this tournament was prepared with the intention of holding a Mexico-U.S. final. Still, it is the potential denied by this moment of unfairness, and not Canada’s leap 30-odd places up the FIFA rankings, that should reinforce what will be an exciting future for Canadian soccer, further highlighted by a strong U-20 side that hosts the FIFA championships starting July 1^st. At the end of the day, things looks bright, unlike, say, over at Arsenal, where Henry’s impending defection casts a huge shadow over the top of the Premiership. Good thing I put in the Barca scarf request early (L, if you're reading this and you haven't made the purchase - don't buy it not now, buy it right now) : the ranks of the contenders in English soccer just got noticably slimmer. Here in CONCACAF, you can add one more team to legitimately challenge the old FIFA-endorsed guard.

The Life You Save May Be Your Own: A Review of R Kelly’s Double Up

One of popular music’s most polarizing figures has recently released a new full player offering entitled ‘Double Up’: proof that Robert’s legal representation weren’t the only ones hard at work over the past year. And funnily enough, it has been during this most recent personal crisis that the R has enjoyed some of his greatest professional success; even going so far as to create a bizarrely controversial musical mini-movie, ‘Trapped in the Closet’, to further enhance his buzz. Much to the dismay of his detractors, Mr. Kelly has always tried to push the envelope to emphatically stress the unadulterated ‘realness’ he offers to the listener, often at the expense of any regard for tact.

"Uh, Kells - real talk about that whole tactlessness thing."

But this is what R Kelly has done to establish his own musical ‘lane’, an accomplishment in itself for an artist who was at one point musically and physically almost indistinguishable from a rival singer (but where’s Aaron Hall now, suckas!?). Even in an industry as cynical as the record biz where talent and image are often almost inseparable, Kelly’s songwriting skills has always been considered prodigious. However, it was only when he began to develop his narrative style featured on the ‘Down Low’ series of records that he began to differentiate himself from his R&B brethren on his way to becoming the current juggernaut of the genre. Now in 2007, R Kelly is giving rappers a run for their money, saturating the airwaves on a series of remixes that has him flexing the most desired quality of popular black music as of late: swag – hence the creation of the alter ego, ‘Kells’. I have already alluded to him being this generation’s Rick James (for better or worse): but the question that begs of his new album is one of boundaries: has this man gone too far. Kells, being enabled by his unique stylistic approach to musical story-telling, has already come dangerously close to becoming merely a caricature depicting some of the more outlandish negative stereotypes in his quest to keep it real. So far, his guest spots in remixes hasn’t left him with enough rope to hang himself, but with a whole album to himself, will he finally cross that line of extreme bad taste that will lead to his decline. Here’s a look at the album/potential train wreck song by song:

1. The Champ – featuring new best buddy Swizz Beatz in a quasi-dramatic introduction loosely based on the Jadakiss mixtape anthem. Robert addresses the two sides of that coin called fame, however, the haters get it here, mostly. Like it’s their fault you have video-taping tendencies…

2. Double Up feat. Snoop Dogg – Robert takes this mid-tempo track down the Roger Troutman/Teddy Pain route with some synthesized vocals in an ode to not limiting options. An uninspired Snoop comes through to deliver the usual placations. Hey, if you could live like this, you’d sing about it too…

3. Tryin’ to Get a Number feat. Nelly – This coulda been hot – six maybe five years ago. Funny, that Nelly’s sing-song rapping is very much what R is winning with now.

4. Get Dirty feat. Chamillionaire – You think Robert liked that Ridin’ Dirty song? Another mid-tempo, rap-stylized ode to stuntin’ with another Midwest/Dirty South type rapper. You get the feeling the R might stand for ‘redundancy’.

5. Leave Your Name – Finally, things change up with a ballad: R uses the synthesized vocal accents, again, to make a long-winded message for his voicemail. Kinda makes me wish I was listening to ‘Your Body’s Calling’ instead for some reason…

6. Freaky in the Club - a melodic dancehall-influenced little ditty. No Diddy, tho – which is good. Not much to say here; kept things surprisingly inoffensive given the title with only the allusion to Mad Cobra as a reminder.

7. The Zoo – Resembles a generic past Kells’ ballad until he takes it to the whole sex-jungle analogy. Recently, Robert seems to be partial to a little gorilla lovin’ but here, he’s a sexasaurus. Yes, it sounds like an ancient beast, but that may only be relative to his partner…

8. I’m A Flirt feat. T-Pain and T.I. - Club anthem, you’ve already heard this, cousin. Kells let’s you know he will steal your girl. Don’t hate. Just make sure she showers before she comes back…

9. Same Girl feat. Usher – The second single. It’s a testament to the power of Kells that every other R&B singer has to do Robert when they perform on a song with him; it’s like he’s...contagious. Mr. Biggs really needs to beat the hell out of both these dudes for getting played out by the same girl (possibly his girl...can someone say 'remix'?). It’s funny because Robert wants to make said girl his wife, while Usher’s just running on through: Kells makes it inescapably clear who the more ghetto individual is.

10. Real Talk – This may seem early for an album climax, but here’s Kells doing the most mind-blowing narrative of an argument with his girl. This has to be experienced to be believed: I’ll leave you with some choice lyrics…real talk:

“I’ve been with you five years and you listening to your motherf%cking girlfriends: I don’t know why you f*ck with them old jealous, no men-havin’-ass hoes anyway. Real talk.”

“You’re always running at the mouth telling your girls your motherf*cking business, when they don’t eat with us; they don’t sleep with us; besides what they eat don’t make us sh!t. Real talk.”

“You ain’t gotta worry about me no more and the next time your ass get horny: go f%ck one of your funky-ass friends - hell, you probably doing that sh!t anyway! You gonna burn what?!! Bitch, I wish you woooould burn my motherf%ckin’ clothes – with your triflin’ ass!”

11. Hook It Up feat. Huey – Kells looking for a hook up from the ‘Pop, Lock and Drop it’ dude. She probably mad young, cuz that dude couldn’t be out of high school. I’ll go as far to say that this is slightly better than the Nelly and Chamillionaire songs.

12. Rock Star feat. Kid Rock and Ludacris - Somebody must have told Robert there was a rock star theme going on this summer. Got an actual white guy to help prove his point.

13. Best Friend feat. Keyshia Cole and Polow Da Don – So Kells concocted the most hood scenario possible: a conjugal visit for a locked up Robert from wifey (hood songstress Cole) and his best friend (uh, Polow). Good time to accuse them of infidelity. You may think he couldn’t have made this more over the top, but he got Keyshia to finish the song by crying out ‘What about the KIDS?!!’ Much too late for that.

14. Rollin’ – Kells takes a break from hood depravity and the club to call out the haters while flossing. Ground-breaking stuff.

15. Sweet Tooth – Back to the slow up. Throwback R, with the throwback sex analogy.

16. Havin’ a Baby – Deliriously happy lunch pale Robert knocks up an unidentified singer. Oddly docile selection which, in itself, makes it sound like might have been court-ordered: ends with some pregnancy coaching.

17. Sex Planet – As indicated by its title, some more bedroom music. It may be a stranger element to his allure, but Kells continues with his tendency to speak about sex in metaphors: yes ladies, he’s about your black hole, but that doesn’t necessarily exclude a trip to ‘Uranus’. Don’t be scared…we haven't even gotten to the part about the meteor 'showers'.

18. Rise Up - Humanitarian Robert (oh, he exists) comes out to do an ode about the Virginia Tech tragedy. Does his best to do understanding.

19. I Like Love – R Kelly does reggae without ‘being about reggae’ in this shout out to his fans. Apparently, there’s a lot of things Kells doesn’t like but, in the end, he’s all about love. Me too, Robert. Me too.

It would be easy to blame R Kelly for somehow initiating the down turn of modern culture and trying to rope in this release as evidence, but that would considerably over stress the importance of this album (keep in mind, in a recent diatribe, Robert compared himself to such luminaries as Marvin Gaye, Bob Marley, Muhammad Ali and, for good measure, Martin Luther King Jr.) . For the most part, Kells rides slightly ahead of the current trend-setting curve for popular black music which is saying very little. There is a lot of forgettable material here, sandwiched between the moments of shock value (‘Real Talk’, ‘Best Friend’) and contrived blandness (and there’s something to be said about an artist when his most contrived efforts are not centered around shock but instead the mundane). If there’s anything Robert may have proved here, it’s that he can sing over the generic, radio-friendly rap track potentially making the actual rappers obsolete in that capacity (which should strike fear into the hearts of many a rap dude…I’m not not looking at you, Nelly). He could have lost at least two of the rapper collabos and a slow jam to tidy things up, while the lack of a more groove friendly ‘Step In the Name of Love’-type ballad really hurts the over all package. In the end, this is something that can be put in the CD player as background party-music while dodging the slower offerings (or just saving them for later, as it were). Even the biggest R Kelly fans will find this uninspiring – and that’s not hate Kells, just some real talk.

In Praise of the Predictable

Nobody can deny the appeal of the underdog; we are naturally predisposed to sympathize and often be moved to root for those who have the odds stacked against them. Maybe their story is an impossibly compelling one. Maybe for the truly cynical, it’s about the surprise of seeing something that rarely happens: the shock value of the unpredictable. Regardless of the logic, I personally tend to succumb to this tick of human nature and, trust, it can make being a sports fan a very unrewarding experience (ask me how those MJ years went and I struggle to revive the part of me that died when Phoenix was felled by that cursed John Paxson dagger many moons ago).

However, even I have to admit that sometimes it’s just best to substitute surprise with something that possesses a little more substance. Just because a consequence does not allow for interpretation, does not mean its finality can be just as pleasing in its definiteness. Plus, you don’t have to wonder if your cable went out, neither (my question to you, David Chase, is if you were so comfortable with your ending why did you flee to France during its broadcast and bring up words like ‘audacious’ when describing it).

Culturally iconic television aside (will people see the Wire’s better now?), I take no joy in watching the NBA season wind down to its last breath, despite my monetary empowerment from the quicker ending. Last night’s game may have been exciting, but in the way that two bottom rung teams from the Big East duking it out in a tight affair in February is exciting. If you enjoy a close game for the sake of competitiveness, it was interesting. However, contrary to popular belief, watching professionals miss lay-up after lay-up does not constitute excellent defense, it just means the game has turned ugly. The Cavs really should have taken Game 3: the game played out in a best possible scenario for them (not counting, of course, the one involving Duncan, Parker and Ginobili all on the verge of fouling out by halftime). Fans may scream and shout about how the game ended but I truly can’t help but think the League did LeBron a huge favour by not putting him on the line for three shots with the series, ultimately, in the balance.

At the end of the day, barring a truly spectacularly implausible comeback where Cleveland plays at some other-worldly level (the part that makes it implausible), it's clear that this series needs to end. Immediately. Sadly, it comes down to the disproportionate ability between the two teams involved – the Cavs are inferior to San Antonio on every level imaginable. As far as match-ups go, I still believe Cleveland would struggle to beat any of the teams the Spurs took out (yes, Denver too) in a seven game series. Chronically out-coached Mike Brown finally made some defensive adjustments, waiting in an almost Mitchell-esque belated fashion to play, what would appear to be, his last strategic cards. Now that Pop and Co. have a night to take that game plan apart, Game 4 will be the definition of moot. And there’s absolutely no way Manu ends up with 3 points on Thursday…

There’s an analogy here somewhere – something about stepping to someone greater than you with no game, perhaps.

This most forgettable of Finals takes nothing away from LeBron as a player: in fact, it may well have helped in giving the Cavs’ management the sort of insight necessary to turn their team into a legitimate championship contender. But for now, my lasting memory of the series will be of Varejao spinning in the lane and attempting that ill-advised, potenitally game-tying scoop which barely hit iron. A comical surprise that surely everyone could have done without: this is one series that would actually benefit with an abrupt fade to black.

Anti-Climatic-Ism 101: The 2007 NBA Finals

So David Stern lands a marketing coup where there was almost none to land, by having “Bron-Bron” show up for his first NBA Finals. That’s the upside to what will no doubt be the least competitive NBA Finals since the days of the Kidd and Kenyon Nets stanking things up or those miracle Iverson 76ers mistakenly showed up and actually managed to steal a game. That 76er team is probably the most apt comparison to the current Cavs, with the one superstar leading a bunch of slobs who play physical defense: there’s even some continuity with the one holdover (Eric Snow, now spot minute substitute former AI sidekick). But like that Philly squad, Cleveland is painfully overmatched against the current Western Conference Power de jour. Forget that dismal route through the Eastern Conference culminating with the burying of a Detroit team that made all of us who wanted a competitive Finals look like assholes by showing an indifference towards winning usually only reserved for Vince Carter during the middle of the regular season. The odds of an entertaining Finals in ’07 are overshadowed by the looming probability that San Antonio will absolutely dismantle a flawed Cleveland team with mind numbing efficiency, quickly dissolving the ‘legend of Boobie’ and prompting the return of those ‘Witness’ posters back into deep storage.

The Spurs are without peer when it comes to gametime execution, and since the roster discrepancies and player experience levels are significant, I won’t even get into a positional comparison or nothing like that. Just signs of the more favourable scenarios for either squad. Trust me, you are more likely to see some of these than others: if you can be bothered to stay awake during the games, of course.

Things are going well for the Spurs when: Ginobili is on his way to 20+ points, becoming the third of the trio. It’s already assumed that Duncan and Parker will be getting theirs.

The Spurs are on their way to administering a serious beatdown when: Argentinean playboy/power forward Fabricio Oberto starts getting those offensive rebounds and randomly scoring. Mostly on those back cuts with Timmy providing the high post feed. Yup. That’s when ya lost…

Things are going well for the Cavs when: Boobie and Gooden are making their open (or not so open) looks and the game is close enough for LeBron to utilize his superhuman powers down the stretch, without being forced into his super-ordinary perimeter game (notice there's a lot of if's in this scenario...).

Best case scenario for the Cavs: Duncan, Parker and Ginobili are all on the verge of fouling out when Popovich receives his second technical and is about to be escorted off the court by those always vex-looking security guys. This would preferably being happening in the first half...you know, just to be sure.

Even Cleveland’s strength, its team defense, will be held to the fire with what will be some potentially messy match-ups. Who guards Duncan? Who guards Parker? Do you give LeBron a rest on defense or do you make him guard somebody? The problem with these questions is that they are answered by coaching adjustments. Mike Brown has had some slip ups here and there, but generally has accounted well for himself during the Cavs’ Playoff run. However, he is opposing the best coach in the League; a tactical mastermind who’s had ample time to prepare for a glorified ‘one-trick’ pony team (disrespect intended, Larry). It all adds up to a potentially ugly series…and you can thank the Pistons.

Cleveland is finally going to get a lesson in Playoff basketball: a sweep is definitely not out of the question, but I see this playing out like the Spurs-Jazz series, with the Cavs stealing one at home. Yes, I said stealing one at home…

Like most basketball fans, I was hoping for the most competitive series possible given the circumstances. That is, until I put two bills on San Antonio to clean things up in less than 6 games. Now, I welcome the miserable and I invite the barely watchable. For once, I will profit off the suffering of others: sorry Cleveland and random LeBron groupies (cough…Justin…cough) - it’s just business.

Wow. Why do I suddenly feel like corporate America…I really need to take a shower.

The Return of A and B Music Reviews

It’s been a minute, but we’re back with the A and B music reviews. However, this time around we’ve solicited the opinion of Mr. C, the resident R&B expert who has put the breaks on his soccer career and relocated out to California. While being a lover of all types of music, Mr. C has an unmatched pedigree when it comes to knowledge of contemporary Rhythm and Blues: there is not a Troop, Tevin Campbell or Horace Brown song that he can’t warble off key while correlating it to the female he was with at the time and the pertinent event in the relationship that the song is associated with. Trust, it was only a matter of time before Dotrunnings asked him to contribute to this segment. As for the fans of Mr. B, don’t worry, you’ll see him back at the helm sooner than later. And management promises to work half-heartedly at squashing any potential beef between reviewers.
So on with the current show, as we have targeted a couple of R&B songs and a few hip hop songs (plus one ‘interlude’) that have all been recently released for the summer. And now they're colour co-ordinated: take it away, fellas.

Keyshia Cole feat. Lil Kim and Missy – Let it Go
http://www.zshare.net/audio/2140849e128a53/

Mr. A: This is her new buzz single doing the whole ‘Juicy’ interpolation. I don't know about Missy reprising her sexed-up hype woman thing. Did they really need her on this?

Mr. C: Here we go again, another chick anthem.

Mr. A: Chick anthem, I guess that's Missy. She like women...who like women...who like women...

Mr. C: Lol. Honestly, I was not feeling this in the least. I'm usually okay with Keisha too, but wow, not here. I mean, it will get played in the club, and the 14 year old chicks will love it.

Mr. A: I'm with you, tho. There's nothing particularly interesting about this, and the 14 year old girls won't even get the Juicy theme...

Mr. C: It’s sad. But my question to you is this: Do you think that Mr. and Mrs. Becks knew that their son from Leytonstone, England would ever get in an R&B song?

Mr. A: I know...I know....Lil’ Kim and her ghostwriter: always on point with the pop culture.

Mr. C: She actually said, "Kick em' all straight to the curb like Beckham." Wow. And did I not tell you that he would get called back to the England team? You really need to start listening to me more.

Mr. A: So now Lil’ Kim's up on his England status? Did she hear about Aaron Lennon's injury too? If Lennon is healthy, Beckham will not play, bottom line. The England press is already trashing the MLS for its inferior quality of soccer and they sure as hell don't want to see an England national playing there.

Mr. C: It doesn’t matter: he has been the most dominant player at Real, as of late. (Mr. A shakes his head with dismay at the bold yet pointlessly groundless nature of the previous statement) I'm actually rooting for him.

Editor’s note: Beckham ends up setting up England’s only goal during a 1-1 draw in last Friday’s Friendly with Brazil. Mr. C is all about vindication.

Mr. A: Well, this sums up my feeling about the song: it makes me want to start thinking about something else...anything else.

Mr. C: I agree. Can we move on? Please!

Mr. A: Yes...but I'll say this one last thing about Keyshia: she's gotta be up there as far as artists who benefit from studio “enhancing’’ - and that's saying a lot.

Mr. C: Yeah, that is saying A LOT!

Lauryn Hill – Loose Myself:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/2140828e216b52/

A: Another unattached single that has popped up featuring L Boogie speaking on her obsession of past minute...the other side of love. Somebody needs to give this woman several year's worth of hugs...

C: Sounds like old Stevie meets Jackson 5 to me. It’s different for Lauryn Hill, but fuck, she finally seems somewhat happy. I like it though.

A: I think this has that 80's rock sound going for it, with the heavy guitar and all. But you’re absolutely right, at least there's some promise of redemption here. Sounds like she's finally getting back on her feet and moving away from those depressing acoustic numbers.

C: Exactly, I was waiting for something really tragic, but she managed to steer away from it. I liked it. It didn't blow me away, but I can see it really growing on me.

A: So who do you think she's speaking on...Wyclef, still, or the Marley dem?

C: Wow, for her sake, I hope it's that Marley Cat.

A: Yeah, but at least Wyclef was good for something. This ain't no ‘Miseducation’ or 'Score' Lauryn...but it's a move in the right direction. And, it's thumbs up for marriage: “lose myself to get better”. Married folks take heart - L Boogie says you going to be alright! Lord knows it’s been tough on her.

Kanye West - Can’t Tell Me Nothing:
http://www.sendspace.com/file/blx1s1

A: this is either the buzz single or first single from his next installment, Good Ass Job, or whatever comes after College Dropout…

C: Repay Loans.

A: OSAP blues.

C: “Procrastinate for years/ trying to figure out what you really want to do in life…" S’up L.

A: WOW. Calling out Mr. B? Beef really doesn’t come with a radio edit.

C: Haha, I'm playing. He came through. (Ed: with questionable sincerity) L is the man!

A: Personal biz, aside: I think this is an interesting choice for back on the scene music. It’s the return of introspective Kanye!

C: I wasn't crazy about this. It was typical Kanye, but not his best stuff. My sources tell me the instrumental was from a Thom Yorke (Radiohead) beat.

A: You know Kanye couldn’t stay away from his sampler…Really tho; I'm glad he didn't come out with something jig for the clubs or whatever...it could be a lot worse. I still get the shakes from that flammable single he did with Pharrell. I can almost accept this song on that principle alone.

C: Yeah, I'm okay with this. It has a "grow on me" potential. But that ‘Number 1’ joint was wrong. Shoulda never have happened. In general, I like Kanye. A lot more than I'd like. I think he is mad talented.

A: I was gonna look at reviewing the remix with Jeezy, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it...

C: Way to restrain yourself.

A: Thanks. Self control wins. Everytime.

C: It really does. Kids take note.

A: As a lyricist, Kanye's able to put that unabashedly materialistic, all-everybody crew, “This is why I'm hot” stuff out there, yet still be self-effacing about it. He tempers his jackassed-ness with perspective and honesty. All you rapper kids can take note of that. Regardless of what Beanie Sigel says about his fashion decisions.

C: Kanye is nice. I think he will be around for a long time: his shit is kinda timeless. God knows his samples are.

A: Yeah, he got that good taste.

C: Haha, he really does.

A: A passing grade for the new Kanye. No stars and shit, but some upside.

Fabolous feat. Jay-Z and Uncle Murda – Brooklyn:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/2140884b1587d1/

A: We might be some controversy here...

C: I know what this is going to be by the way you set it up.

A: Hold on son, let me get the DJ Clue sound effects...”NEW SHIT...NEW SHIT....new shit....”

C: HAHA

A: “F-A-B-O....JIGGA...Jigga...igga…” And Shawn’s new signing, some dude named Uncle Murda (cough)…natch. It's the anthem...”BROOK-LYYYYYYYYYN!“

C: So let’s feud.

A: I’ll go as far to say, they almost got this right. Because I'm not mad at the track...Biggie sample...moog organ... they even used the Big Beat - 99 Problems and such...

C: Ok, wow. Are we actually going to agree here?

A: But the shout out? It sounds like they need more people. That's the weakest 'Brooklyn’ I ever heard: it’s like folks in Scarborough do it better. They really need to…

C: ANTE UP!! Lol.

A: They shoulda got MOP for this!

C: “Spread love the Brooklyn way/ B how’s it feel?/ I’m on my Robin Thicke shyt/ Shyt eva gets thick/ back to robbin’ n@ggas quick/…..trick…click…ante up.” Listen, Jay did it. He has not fallen off. He should just stay away from the Beyonce duets (Ed: Don't forget his sidepiece, Rihanna).

A: I really think Jay got a Def Jam intern to write his verse. Seriously. That Robin Thicke line....that was fire? It’s a good line: for an intern. Shawn sounds he doesn't even care anymore. He was probably in Monaco or something and thought: 'Maybe I should throw one of my rap artists a verse...' It’s a marketing strategy now.

C: Fuck it. I was desensitized by the time I got to this track! Lil’ Kim said: "Kick him to the curb like Beckham" This was genius compared to that!

A: So you're comparing Lil’ Kim to Jay? Jay used to write the best stuff Lil’ Kim ever said. Oh wait, the second best stuff - after B.I.G. And you know Biggie woulda killed this if he were around...

C: I'm not comparing, I'm just saying. I miss B.I.G.! But Jay has this cadence. He can say whatever and sound nice.

A: He just sounds like he's given up. Even his flow was like, meh.

C: Well, there you go. This is why you’re the Hip-Hop head, and I'm the R&B dude. Excuse me while I go play “10 Crack Commandments” now.

A: What, no Reasonable Doubt? Blueprint?(sighs)Black Album?

C: On second thought, I'm going to play some Jodeci, Fuck all of you!

A: HAHA! Wow. And there you have it. That's the only reason you were gased on that Robin Thicke line: he shouted out your boy!

C: Lol. Yes he did. And Fab was ok on this, I'm alright with Fab.

A: I was gonna say. You can't blame Fab on this one: Fab did F-A-B-O. Still, it amazes me how he can keep coming up with those cute little retarded lines. Just when you think he's all outta foolishness and he says stuff like: "Phantom opens up like two door fridges..." Wow. He missed his chance to rhyme it with Todd Bridges, tho...

C: LOL. He’s no JAY. And Rooney ain’t Ronaldo, but they can play on the same pitch.

A: I guess there’s no point bringing up that Uncle Murda dude. (Ed: Uncle Murda = Alan Smith in aforementioned Man U analogy?) But I’ll say this about him: at least it sounded like he tried. So we done here. In my opinion, it was a lost opportunity. There still is potential for a massive remix, I can think of a couple Brooklyn emcees that could make that happen. Plus, it’ll give Shawn another shot to do this justice...

C: Fine. But I guarantee you, the masses will be quite okay with his verse.

A: Masses = Jay-Z stans. For Fab, it is what it is. His joint with Ne-Yo is burning up NYC anyways...

C: Speaking of which, Ne-Yo is the truth. He really is. Dude is mad talented.

A: NEXT SONG!

Remy Ma – Phone Sex Message:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/21408385765306/

A: Ok, really quick…

C: WOW. Anyone who knows me, knows how I feel about this. Nuff said.

A: I'm just saying….it sounds like it could be an exchange up in Rikers. There's a lot of husk to that voice, still.

C: I just want to know if Fat Joe wrote that for her, or she came up with it herself?

A: Haha, you know Fat Joe hasn’t written anything since ‘Flow Joe’. Big Pun was writing for both of them. Honey was messing with your boy Juelz SAN-TAN-A. Maybe he felt safe in her arms...

C: Alright, fuck this. Let’s get to that next song.

Lil’ Mama – Lip Gloss:
http://www.zshare.net/audio/2140863d2c42e8/

A: Have at it, Cali representor.

C: Really, man. That song, I got some strong views on that shit. Ok, here it goes: this will be a banger. It will be something that will get love in the club - cut up this shit into ‘Tipsy’ and let the Patron flow. I hate to admit it but when I’m buzzed; this may actually be a guilty pleasure. I feel like I need to listen to some Stevie now to regain my senses. I feel like…I got tricked into feeling this. WOW. I’m so disappointed in myself! It's the beat, it’s so…simple.

A: Yeah. The hand claps are catchy. I had this stuck in my head for 3 days last week.

C: It’s fucked, right?

A: I didn't know whether I wanted to get down or choke myself out. But as the days got longer, I was leaning to the latter.

C: “Errr-body in the club get TIPSY!!!”

A: Yeah...Grinding...Tipsy. And now…Lip Gloss. Cuz, it’s poppin’!!?

C: I’m saying! After about 6 shots, if a DJ were to blend this into something without me realizing, I WILL WALK IT OUT!

A: I have to smile because she almost sounds like she's trying to spit. If only Shawn could muster that sort of energy...

C: Lol.

A: Broooooook-lyyyyyyyn. Brooooooooook- lyyyyyyyn.

C: HAHA. Whatever.

A: So basically you're saying you like the track. Are you saying you think you could win up in the club with this?

C: I'm saying, "I did not have sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky!"

A: Wow. This is why I holla at Mr. C. He puts honesty above all else!

C: HAHA!

A: So again, what you're saying is, that off the record...the joint is -

C: YES, OFF THE RECORD!

A: The joint isssssssss...

C: I AM OKAY WITH IT ;)

A: But is it…POPPIN’? Say it!!!

C: Dude, I live in West Hollywood. I refuse to answer that question.

A: Saaaaaaaay it…

C: Lol, is she cute?

A: Yeah...for American standards. Meaning she light-skinned, big eyes with the coloured-contacts. Accessorized to win with the current beauty standards enforced by the media.

C: OK, I’ll say this: I wouldn’t go as far as saying it’s POPPIN’, but it does crackle.

A: Go figure. Seeing as we’ve already gone through the snappin’ phase…

C: And that’s a wrap!

A: Yes it is. And you love Lil’ Mama!!! If only Jay could get on that remix! Then it’d be even mo’ POPPIN’!!!

C: Haha. Fool. Besides, you know I love your mama.

A: Damn, why’d it have to be like this? That’s messed up. I hope security violently kicks you out the club just as you trying to walk it out while niced up off Patron and they end up scuffing up your brand new kicks. All while they playing this song!

When Self-Preservation Actually Serves a Common Good

Laker fans now have a reason to love their Kobe even more. Despite all the Kobe-related drama that has occurred over the last 48 hours or so, there is very little doubt over whether ‘Three Times 8’ will be wearing the Purple and Gold until at least the year of his contract option (which happens to be in 2009-10, and John Salley, for one, has already publicly opined that is when you will see Kobe in a Knick jersey).

Kobe’s initial shocking declaration of the state of Laker affairs and subsequent demanding of a trade as prodded by Screamin’ A. Smith has been summarily recanted. But this was a great play by the super (duper) star of a stagnant organization to try and motivate a bewildered front office into making some moves that will improve the team in the immediate future. Granted, the roster is an absolute mess, but by creating some urgency, Kobe has at least put into the public forum the idea of accountability for those that created said mess. Because if things continued on as they were, the Lakers could foreseeable be marred in a vicious cycle of never making it past the first round or even watch some Conference foes slide by them, leaving them with bad odds in the lottery: this all during Kobe’s prime years.

This more brave than selfless act was primarily motivated by Kobe growing weary of letting his best years go by with a supporting cast that could be described charitably as “less than good.” But if this wasn’t all about the team, what else could possibly be going on?

Try a bizarre power struggle amongst the Laker brass, with the key players being principle owner, known DUI offender and trophy female collector Jerry Buss; his two seeds/top execs Jim and Jeannie; billionaire minority owner and Staples Centre builder Phil Anschutz; beleaguered current GM Mitch Kupchak and, of course, the shadiest practitioner of Zen philosophies on the planet, Phil Jackson. Just to add to the flammable nature of potential alliances within this already volatile mix: Phil Jackson is sleeping with someone from this group. And I’m not going to say who it is…

So from what I could gather from the facts and gossip surrounding this most recent bizarre week in LA, the shortest version of the story begins and ends with the fact that Jerry Buss is taking a step back from his current exalted position of head of everything. This leaves the offspring (yes…Jerry’s kids) battling it out to fill the void in power, an apparently poor fit for screw up-in-waiting Jim. However, it is Jim who fancies himself a basketball man (often to the detriment of lame duck GM Kupchak), acting as the prime culprit to hamstring any potential moves over the past couple of years so as to protect the development of his first real personnel decision; the acquisition of one, Andrew Bynum. There is a strong current of thought within the organization that Jerry’s son is an unwanted meddler in basketball operations, but manages to enjoy the endorsement of his father, making Jim a fixture as an annoyance: both father and son may enjoy the idea of steadily rebuilding the once proud franchise over time.

Much to the chagrin of one Phil Jackson, whose preference for refining the games of all-stars leaves him with little desire to coach, never mind teaching young, developing, mistake-prone players. The Jackson/Jeannie Buss camp features a consolidated front, where ideally, Phil takes over all things basketball and Jeannie partners with Anschutz to run the business end. Any power grab would have to involve the manipulation of the Lakers most important on-court asset.

And it all starts with the “Insider” leak reported in the L.A. press Tuesday (see the bottom of page 1 - that's what set Kobe off), in which an anonymous high ranking official stated irrefutably that it was Kobe’s fault Shaq was let go way back when, dragging up, for brevity’s sake, old shit. This was the final straw for an already vex Kobe who is still stinging from having to wake up knowing who comprises the rest of the Laker roster. An irate Byrant immediately fires back through the press, lashing out at herb Kupchak for not providing him with better team mates and actually goes on to list the players he personally spoke with that wanted to don the Purple and Gold (Baron, Boozer, Ron-Ron and most recently, Playoff triple-double machine Jason Kidd) but management was too scared/incapable of following through on. There was a notable fixation on bringing back Jerry West before the bombs were dropped then retracted, trigging the now current state of organization-wide damage control.

It must be acknowledged that Kobe and Phil want the same thing here – an upgraded roster at all costs. Phil is reported as being the apparent calming voice of reason that brought Kobe back from the edge. But the roasting of Kupchak only serves to magnify the potential for public scrutiny and thereby increasing the pressure towards upper management to let him go, a move necessary for Phil to control the basketball side of things. The impending roster changes that Kobe’s outburst will certainly provoke (there are already rumours of trades for the Lakers to acquire either Kidd or Jermaine O’Neal) will be facilitated by using the most tradable asset on the current roster: one, Andrew Bynum. This move has the added benefit of marginalizing Jim Buss within the organization: thus allowing the Zenmaster to move forward on two fronts. For the record, there are some people in L.A. who believe they know the identity of the now infamous ‘Insider’. And they don’t call him a ‘master of mind games’ for nothing.

But before I portray the most talented player in the NBA as merely a pawn in Jackson’s manipulative game of chess, Kobe clearly has some moves of his own to make here. Firstly, an immediate Kobe showdown between him and virtually anybody under the Laker flag would be a prohibitive win for “3 x ‘Eight’” (Phil included…although you know he’d resign before he could get fired) – that’s how much he means out in Laker land. And don’t think he brought up Jerry West by accident: West is not only the one man both Kobe AND Shaq admitted to as being the only person they could trust in the Laker organization when he was around, but he is also one of the few basketball people anywhere who has the clout and capacity to stand up to the Zen manipulator. ‘The Logo’ would be Kobe’s GM. And finally 2009-10: the season Kobe can opt out of his L.A. story – and the Lakers could absolutely not afford to let him go without getting something in return. Son has options. Oh and one last thing: Kobe has told the press he also knows the identity of the muck-raking ‘Insider’, while in his next breath stating that he trusts Phil. Now, it’s one thing to do the whole ‘keep your enemies close’ thing, but at this point, it’s amazing anybody can play for this dude without flat out pulling a Sprewell.

All in all, the Lakers might look half-decent next year, with a possibility of putting out a starting line-up that features Jermaine O’Neal and Crazy Ron-Ron as bookends for Kobe. The current turbulance was a far from unpredictable (I guess that's why they call him Jesus) and the organization is anything but in the clear, as major issues have been raised by what some may see as a spoiled athlete’s insubordination. Clearly, any view of Kobe as a malcontent is an extremely superficial one: Kobe, Phil and Laker fans all share the same priority – they just might not be all in it for the same reasons.

To end this almost Shakespearean saga, I thought it would be interesting to throw out a personal trade prospect – although, as I said earlier, it would be an absolute shock if Kobe leaves L.A. now. I also know the average NBA fan does not share in my evaluation of the worth of Raptor talent (my biases have been documented during the first round of the Playoffs…clearly the Raps have some more winning to do before being viewed as a universally acknowledged contender). Any trade for Kobe would have to feature two immediate elements: there has to be enough talent offered for the Lakers to bite and there has to be enough talent left over to appease Kobe’s desire to be on a contending team. This appreciably narrows down the number of realistic, potential trade partners for any Kobe trade scenario.

"How much is that Ko-beee in the window?...Whaddya mean he's not for sale anymore?"

But here goes: Kobe for TJ Ford, Andrea Bargnani, a signed MoPete and any other filler to make the contracts match. The offer is clearly meant to target L.A.’s nagging deficiency at point guard, while providing a great prospect and some compensatory scoring. On the flip-side, that would give Toronto a stretch-run line up of Calderon, Anthony Parker, Kobe, Bosh and Garbajosa. Sure we’d be a little thin and it’s a stated fact that Colangelo views the salary cap tax like gold-diggas view broke dudes riding the bus. However, I maintain that line-up would make us instant contenders in the East, plus be virtually fool proof for Sam to coach. Given the current state of the Cleveland-Detroit exercise in ugliness and limited play (Lebron excluded...I mean, 25 straight points!!! On DETROIT!!?) – I would really like that roster’s chances of wrecking serious havoc in the Eastern Conference. Unlike the current drama unfolding, this wishful roster maneuvering would be a spectacle that is clearly not meant to be.