Anti-Climatic-Ism 101: The 2007 NBA Finals

So David Stern lands a marketing coup where there was almost none to land, by having “Bron-Bron” show up for his first NBA Finals. That’s the upside to what will no doubt be the least competitive NBA Finals since the days of the Kidd and Kenyon Nets stanking things up or those miracle Iverson 76ers mistakenly showed up and actually managed to steal a game. That 76er team is probably the most apt comparison to the current Cavs, with the one superstar leading a bunch of slobs who play physical defense: there’s even some continuity with the one holdover (Eric Snow, now spot minute substitute former AI sidekick). But like that Philly squad, Cleveland is painfully overmatched against the current Western Conference Power de jour. Forget that dismal route through the Eastern Conference culminating with the burying of a Detroit team that made all of us who wanted a competitive Finals look like assholes by showing an indifference towards winning usually only reserved for Vince Carter during the middle of the regular season. The odds of an entertaining Finals in ’07 are overshadowed by the looming probability that San Antonio will absolutely dismantle a flawed Cleveland team with mind numbing efficiency, quickly dissolving the ‘legend of Boobie’ and prompting the return of those ‘Witness’ posters back into deep storage.

The Spurs are without peer when it comes to gametime execution, and since the roster discrepancies and player experience levels are significant, I won’t even get into a positional comparison or nothing like that. Just signs of the more favourable scenarios for either squad. Trust me, you are more likely to see some of these than others: if you can be bothered to stay awake during the games, of course.

Things are going well for the Spurs when: Ginobili is on his way to 20+ points, becoming the third of the trio. It’s already assumed that Duncan and Parker will be getting theirs.

The Spurs are on their way to administering a serious beatdown when: Argentinean playboy/power forward Fabricio Oberto starts getting those offensive rebounds and randomly scoring. Mostly on those back cuts with Timmy providing the high post feed. Yup. That’s when ya lost…

Things are going well for the Cavs when: Boobie and Gooden are making their open (or not so open) looks and the game is close enough for LeBron to utilize his superhuman powers down the stretch, without being forced into his super-ordinary perimeter game (notice there's a lot of if's in this scenario...).

Best case scenario for the Cavs: Duncan, Parker and Ginobili are all on the verge of fouling out when Popovich receives his second technical and is about to be escorted off the court by those always vex-looking security guys. This would preferably being happening in the first half...you know, just to be sure.

Even Cleveland’s strength, its team defense, will be held to the fire with what will be some potentially messy match-ups. Who guards Duncan? Who guards Parker? Do you give LeBron a rest on defense or do you make him guard somebody? The problem with these questions is that they are answered by coaching adjustments. Mike Brown has had some slip ups here and there, but generally has accounted well for himself during the Cavs’ Playoff run. However, he is opposing the best coach in the League; a tactical mastermind who’s had ample time to prepare for a glorified ‘one-trick’ pony team (disrespect intended, Larry). It all adds up to a potentially ugly series…and you can thank the Pistons.

Cleveland is finally going to get a lesson in Playoff basketball: a sweep is definitely not out of the question, but I see this playing out like the Spurs-Jazz series, with the Cavs stealing one at home. Yes, I said stealing one at home…

Like most basketball fans, I was hoping for the most competitive series possible given the circumstances. That is, until I put two bills on San Antonio to clean things up in less than 6 games. Now, I welcome the miserable and I invite the barely watchable. For once, I will profit off the suffering of others: sorry Cleveland and random LeBron groupies (cough…Justin…cough) - it’s just business.

Wow. Why do I suddenly feel like corporate America…I really need to take a shower.